Work and the holidays . . . the deadlines have wound down to a dribble. My boss is on a three week vacation. I spent twenty minutes fussing over a secret santa gift for someone who two weeks ago completely embarrassed me with a pointed question at a meeting. What the heck is going on?
A month ago I was ready to hand in my walking papers. I would have begged for a pink slip. Now I’m humming “Chestnuts roasting by the fire” while filing the stacks of folders spewed by recent deadlines. Have I forgotten the stress so quickly? Why do unpleasant realities dissolve in the furtive warmth of less taxing moments?
Let’s face it, no one wants to dwell on problems. If I admit that my job is nothing more than a hamster wheel, which at the moment is simply in low gear, I may then have to address it. That means a decision. That means change and unknown, leaping into . . . well I’m still working on that.
It is so much easier to be soothed by fictitious promises of better times ahead. I know they aren’t true, but they sound so good! I have no one to blame but myself the next time the unrealistic deadlines roll back around and I lose the window view to a stack of folders with sticky notes protruding from every page.
I’m not very good at holding a grudge. Most psychologists would say that is healthy, but I contest. Is it better to be the unending optimist that really thinks Sisyphus will make it up the hill this time? At some point you just have to get a clue.
This must be the unseen roll of my blog. A reminder of the fog of stress and the true need, not just desire, to start a different path before this one it too far entrenched. I am grateful that I have finally caught up on my sleep, the brush with bursitis is over, back pain is gone, weird stomach issues resolved. I can actually handle the day to day levels of stress without wilting amid the rising threat of caffeine and alcohol addiction.
I must overcome the tendency to slack off when things aren’t so bad. Now is when I have the extra energy to invest in myself! I have to rouse myself when there is no immediate threat to fight so that I can take the field and have a commanding position for the next battle. Okay, I should stop reading the Art of War, but the symbolism is there.
I’m squandering not only my life but also my soul for well paid servitude. I think I might put that on my screen saver at work (IT will love it, I’m sure!) so that the next time I’m staring off into space it will bring me back with a focused purpose. I need to finish off my life raft so I can jump ship!